| ~ Inside I'm screaming, crying for help, need someone to save me from myself ~ |
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| I've got a job!!!!!!! |
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November 4, 2009] |
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Student adviser in a college. Full-time, decent money, even a pension :p
Yay :D
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October 25, 2009] |
Rachael talked to uni about my appeal being late, and they said it was okay because there were reasons. I sent it in two weeks ago, and they said they won't accept it because it was late. Hm.
I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it yet, mainly because nobody has replied to my e-mails, so I have no idea if I can argue it or not.
I'm not actually sure how much I care anymore.
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October 4, 2009] |
I'm getting positive.
Got another job interview for a secretary job. With three scary-sounding important hospital/pharmacy people.
Going to join a writers group.
Hopefully going to join a netball club.
Going to do some sort of creative writing course online.
Going to do an introductory counselling course, so next year I can do a certificate.
My appeal is nearly finished, just need to pick up my medical note, which they fucked up last week (apparently I've been diagnosed with bipolar since 2002? BPD since 2005? And depression since May this year, although in June my psychiatrist said bipolar...very confusing, to me and to the receptionists I was trying to explain it all to - all I need is a bit of paper stating that I am diagnosed with bipolar, I don't even need the f'ing date on it, write it on the back of a fag packet for all I care as long I can hand it in with my appeal).
I've been tidying my flat. It still looks a complete mess at the moment, but once I hoover/clean everywhere and rearrange things it will look a lot better.
I've been making more plans for the future, it keeps me motivated.
Right. I didn't go to bed until 9am. I knew there was no way I would get up for the grand prix at 5am so decided it was better to just stay up. I don't sleep for most of the night anyway. Applied for a job 3 nights a week, £100 a night, really want it - the closing date was Thursday so I'm really hoping I get an interview.
Need to ring college tomorrow about resitting Biology. I swear I got at least a grade higher in each exam than they gave me - I counted up all the answers I KNEW were right, but obviously not :s
Eek.
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September 16, 2009] |
How the hell has this happened?
Hello four years ago.
I thought I'd got past this.
It's amazing. You spend four years working hard on yourself, yet in a matter of days it all unravels, like it never even changed.
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August 26, 2009] |
I need positive thoughts for my interview tomorrow.
If I don't get a job soon I will have to move back home. And nothing against my parents, but if I do that I will never leave, and I don't want that.
They told me they don't think my appeal will work. It's so nice to know even your parents don't have faith in you.
I miss Marjory.
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August 18, 2009] |
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music |
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Watching High School Musical |
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Had an...interesting doctors appointment yesterday.
I'd forgotten that my prescription pre-payment card was running out yesterday, so I had to go to the doctors before I went to see Marjory at 12pm. Usually if I go at about 10.30am (to the open surgery) there are only a couple of people waiting as most people go when they open. However, the computers had been down they were really behind, and I ended up waiting nearly two hours. So I missed Marjory, I was hoping I'd make a later bus and get to see her for 20 minutes if nothing else, as she is away for two weeks after this week, but I didn't actually get out of the surgery until 12.50pm.
Once I realised I was going to miss Marjory altogether I thought I may as well go through my list of things to ask about - I saw a doctor I'd not seen before, and she was nice - which is unfortunate actually because she is leaving soon. It doesn't really matter though because I just go to the open surgery on whatever day I'm free, and they have different doctors there every time it seems.
Anyway, she is going to look into referring me to the new assessment place for Aspergers. I explained that Marjory had told me they do really in-depth assessments and because my last one was just answering a few questions - and he basically told me he had made up his mind before I even arrived because I'm a female and want to be a social worker - so I wanted a second opinion really, if only to put my mind at rest.
I asked her about my scars because I have become a lot more conscious of them recently - she told me about Bio-Oil and then looked to see if it is prescribable, which it is, so she gave me 200ml - basically so it will last me for ages because she said if she prescribes it regularly it will probably be picked up on and she will be told not to. So that will save me a fortune, because however good it is, it is expensive to buy.
Then at the end of the appointment, we said goodbye, I got up and literally had my hand on the door handle to leave when she said "oh, I see that your psychiatrist has said that your main problem is bipolar disorder." I turned round and just shouted "WHAAAT?!...erm...I'm not aware of that..." and she'd pulled the last letter she got from him up and it said that I have "long-standing bipolar disorder" and something about having my blood levels checked for my Epilim. My last psychiatrist mentioned it a couple of times as a possibility, but as far as I know never actually diagnosed it, and when I have seen this one at the end of both appointments he has summerised everything and not mentioned it either.
A few years ago when I found out my first diagnosis, it was the same way, with my GP mentioning it in passing at the end of an appointment. It would be nice if they actually told you these things. Not only does it make you look like an idiot that everyone knows but you (including the two receptionists who were looking at the letter when I went in to get my last prescription and they had to print a new one and were reading off the letter for what I was on), but for things like applying for jobs and filling in health forms, how can you be honest if they don't tell you?
I'm not even going to think about uni for now. I'll get my appeal done first, then I'll worry about telling them.
It's so stupid, I'm now paranoid I will get bollocked for not telling people, but how can I if I didn't know?
And I have to fill in a health form to take to my interview tomorrow, so what do I put on it? I'm very confused, I really wish I hadn't found out the day before my birthday! It's already a bad week - interview tomorrow, Biology result on Thursday. Plus my hatred of birthdays in general. My Grandma rang last night and said how scary it was that I'm 26. Don't remind me :'( I'm still 19!
I'm so exhausted. What is sleep again? I've forgotten. Tossing and fucking turning all bloody night. Hopefully when I get a job I will get into a proper routine again, so everyone please think positive thoughts for me tomorrow!
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August 11, 2009] |
I'm back online properly! I'm not quite sure how, but after two days of messing around with various settings, I got my computer working again :)
Still no job. Applied for 27, got an interview next week (only my second) and got another few to apply for. I don't mind doing them, it's just those bloody personal statement bits, when they can quite clearly see from your qualifications/experience whether you are suitable for the job or not!
Still working on my Appeal. Can't concentrate. I've started taking an Omega-3 supplement in the hope it will get my brain in gear a bit.
Me and my sister are going on holday in September. Well, we're staying in Reading and are going to go to Legoland and to see Priscilla in London, and whatever else we can agree on! Then hopefully next year we are going to Euro Disney...and maybe flying so I can actually get on a plane :s
I keep changing my mind about applying to work on a Canadian summer camp. I'd have to wait until I get a job and have the money to, and I don't think I will be accepted anyway, because apparently they automatically reject anyone on anti-depressants, but if I don't at least apply I will probably regret it.
I haven't slept for days. When I take a sleeping pill I do a bit, when I don't I don't at all. And I've got so restless that I can't even stay in bed, on Sunday I got up at 5am, which of course means I feel even more tired.
I was supposed to work all weekend, late/sleep-in/early, but after getting there (somewhere I'd never been, so I'd spent ages planning buses etc), nobody was in and when I went to the house next door the person there said that the residents have gone away so they didn't need me. Apparently I should have been told. So not only did I waste half the day, I lost out on £125 which I desperately need. They rang earlier and I agreed to work on Sunday at the place with the rabbit, which is quite exciting, as I spend as much time in the garden talking to him/tickling his nose as possible, he's so cute! Got snapped at last week when I phoned in sick. I was so stressed about doing a shift at the place I did last time, I'm scared I'm going to make myself ill. I like the job, and the residents, but I can't cope with how some of the staff speak to me. As soon as I can afford to, I am going to quit, or maybe try and get a bank job somewhere else.
I am applying to be a receptionist for the Blue Cross. I was thinking about volunteering there, so it would be really good, but I would want to bring all the animals home with me!
Need to magic up a lot of money in the next few weeks to pay for A2 Biology/AS Criminology. I'm going to break into my ISA - I've managed to keep £40 in there after I spent most of it a few years ago for rent, but I don't want to ask to borrow it off my parents, so I'm scraping up every penny I can find!
Next week isn't good. Job interview/birthday/Biology result. I think on Thursday night I will deserve to get really drunk or something. Not that I can afford alcohol. I did buy two bottles of beer last week and drank one a night. I drank them quickly so they had a little affect, but I really fancy getting proper drunk. Well, not super drunk to the point of passing out, but drunk enough to find everything hilarious :p Jo loves my drunken texts :p
Went to see Harry Potter last week. Felt a bit of a prat going to the cinema on my own, but I wanted to see it, and was glad I did. It got me out anyway, Marjory was on leave and I needed to make sure I didn't spend the whole week on the sofa!
Anyway, I have finally joined Twitter...mainly to stalk a few celebrities...so let me know your username and I will stalk you too!
Oh, and if Marcus doesn't leave BB this week, I am going to the house, breaking it, and dragging him out by his long greasy hair, before punching him multiple times in his arrogant, smug face.
That is all.
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July 20, 2009] |
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Watching CSI. |
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I can't keep going like this.
One minute I'm fine and making plans, I've got years of stuff planned out, but then I'm thinking about cutting myself, but I don't have the energy. I've done things I've never done before which I'm fighting myself not to keep doing.
Had meeting with uni last week, some of the things they said are ridiculous, contrasting things I have on paper from years ago.
I don't care how many appeals it takes, they're giving me another placement.
No job yet. So many applications, only one interview.
Applying to be a HCA in GP surgery, really want to do it, get to take blood and stuff.
Going to ask to be referred to new place for aspergers assessment as they do a really in-depth one, and ever since the first one, a normal psych appointment basically, I just want to stop the niggling doubts.
Going to ask to be referred to Red Cross for camouflage make-up for arms.
Might apply to nursing courses for next Sept then if uni is all fucked I have options. Want to go to Nottingham, the nursing is based in Derby, nearish home.
Started writing again. Entering competitions. Done 100 word story which was quite hard! It's giving me something to do, to focus on.
I haven't slept properly for weeks and weeks. It makes me want to laugh hysterically. I'm so fucked up.
Lost 6lbs basically because I can't afford to buy food. It's a good thing obviously I can't look at myself in the fucking mirror these days.
Body fucked up, period was really late, felt all shit. It must be stress.
Stress!
Feel ill today sore throat.
Have to out tomorrow for tablets I keep going days without leaving the flat, without even getting dressed. Yet there's so much I should be doing.
I'm so tired and yet I'm so bloody annoyed, time needs to go so I can get on with things.
A2 Biology, Forensic Science and Creative Writing courses from September. Maybe counselling as well. Depending on jobs I might apply to volunteer in the Oxfam bookshop. And possibly at the Blue Cross shelter.
At some point in the future I also want to do an MA in Creative Writing, and also go to Keele and do a degree in Biology and Forensic Science.
So many plans, so little time! (and money).
Positive thinking!
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July 12, 2009] |
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I'm really not doing good.
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June 24, 2009] |
I'm finding everything so hard at the moment.
In the last week I've had four job rejections, only one more to come back now. I've seen a few more to apply for, but it's hard to stay motivated.
Letter from uni today saying the exam board upheld the fail decision. I was expecting it, but it still bothers me. I've worked so hard to be where I am, but it is just constant slaps in the face. Anyone who had been through what I had on this course would be the same.
Cancelled Marjory today, seeing her tomorrow instead. Exhausted, didn't want to get up. I cancelled two weeks ago for the same reason which is ridiculous because right now she's the only one here, and that will end at some point because of my lack of DSA now.
Saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I tried to be honest, but probably not enough. Next appointment in October!!!!! Last time I asked and he agreed to see me after one month rather than three, but I just couldn't ask again.
He is upping my paroxetine again, he did last time as well. He said he'd put me on a mood stabiliser, not realising I am on one, so he is going to 'do research' and either up the Epilim or switch it for something else.
I went to the doctors last week and did my usual trick of reading my notes over her shoulder. I thought I was being sneaky, but she knew what I was doing and actually asked what I thought, which makes a change from them giving you a dirty look and turning the screen away. Although on placements I do do the same thing. Well, not the dirty look, but always cover people's files up even if they're not even open.
Anyway, he said that I have "recurrent depression with current severe episode" which was weird because when I saw him last time I wasn't feeling half as bad as I am now.
I am SO sick of not sleeping. If I can't drag myself out of the flat, my world consists of either my bed or my sofa.
I need to sort myself out, I'm a fucking disgrace.
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June 4, 2009] |
Good day today.
Saw Marjory, we spent most of the time talking about The Apprentice :p
Went to the library and got loads of new books to read.
Got a letter from college and they are doing A2 Biology and a 12 week Forensic Science course starting in September.
Did my AS exams on Monday so no more revision!
Job interview on Tuesday, typing/proof reading/Word/Excel assessment on Thursday.
Another three applications in, another one to fill in.
In a couple of weeks everyone is going to Hastings for the weekend to see my friend and her kids Finlay, who is 3 months old now, and Gregor who is 2 and who I haven't seen since he was 6 months.
And best of all...BIG BROTHER TONIGHT!
Stay focused, stay positive.
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May 20, 2009] |
I. Can't. Take. It. Any. More.
Did a shift on Sunday. Phone call yesterday from senior telling me to 'pull my weight and work with her staff' person i was on with slagging me off. I did work, one thing i didn't do. She didn't ask for help i thought she was okay. So once again i get bollocked. Going to find another bank job. Lately i seem to get abuse after every shift i do and i can't take it. Spent all yesterday afternoon crying hysterically. Cut for first time in over two months.
I try so hard to be a good person, to be worth something. I don't how much more i can take i feel like i'm getting closer and closer to the edge.
Why do some people have to be so fucking rude? There is just no need for it.
That's the last time i'll do any shifts at that house. Fuck the lot of them.
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May 8, 2009] |
I've come home for a few days.
I've been applying for jobs.
I'm complaining/appealing to uni.
I'm contemplating a gap year even if they let me do another placement.
Maybe apply for Camp America (or Canada) next summer.
I still have to work on my dissertation.
Wednesday should have been my final portfolio.
I was 2 marks off a B in my Biology mock.
I would have got an extra 3 marks if I'd read one of the questions properly!
A2 Biology hopefully next year, and they are planning to do AS Criminology which I want to do as well.
I've been looking into Forensic Science and Forensic Anthropology. They sound fascinating.
I'm doing my best to stay positive. Planning the next 10 years. Seriously.
On the 18th I have an appointment with my new mental health team. I really hope they actually offer me some support.
Stay positive, stay focused, that's what I keep telling myself.
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April 22, 2009] |
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"The Panel supported the Fail decision from the placement, with a recommendation of no right of re-sit."
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April 21, 2009] |
I'm so angry. I can't keep doing this.
I won't get another year of funding. So a year off?
I don't even know if i want to do this anymore, it's killing me.
I try so hard. When will it be worth it?
They stopped paying my DSA to the mentoring service so Marjory's boss apparently keeps nagging her about when she will stop seeing me. So i might be about to lose the one person who has stuck by me, supported me through everything. The one person keeping me relatively sane.
I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me.
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March 29, 2009] |
"Have you ever considered that your not cut out for this job? You say you havent got the academic background to be a doctor, but you'll be a social worker instead, because its not an academic profession? Dont think so. This is peoples lives your talking abuout, you cant keep taking the course till you pass, like a driving test - sheesh, your an insult to the profession"
Just when my self-esteem couldn't get any lower.
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March 14, 2009] |
I have a lot of work to do. A report for the PCP on Thursday, an essay for Wednesday and my bit for the Final Report for my placement. My plan is to go into uni on Monday, hand everything in, and go swimming - I went on Thursday and I'm determined to get back into it, I've put on so much weight that hardly anything fits anymore.
Working on the basis that I will have to wait until (at least) September to start another placement, I'm applying for a 6-month job with the Youth Offending Team.
At the moment I'm okay because I've got lots to do. I'm just worried about what will happen when it's done.
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March 11, 2009] |
Forget everything.
I've failed.
The last two days I've been alternately crying and in a complete daze. I keep thinking I've dreamt things that have happened, like conversations with people. It's like being drunk but without the good bits.
I really don't know what I'm going to do this time.
It's like someone has flipped a switch, and I'm just empty. Everything inside me has gone.
I put everything into this...I was so determined for this not to happen.
I'm so confused.
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| Things I want to do when I have the time and money: |
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March 7, 2009] |
- Buy a new computer - that actually does what it's supposed to.
- Learn to drive. Then buy a car (I'm thinking purple with pink bits, and zebra print seats :p).
- Learn to play the flute.
- Go abroad - I want to go to Austria next year with the organisation I've volunteered for before, because they are doing a holiday for visually impaired people and visit a few places I want to go, and guides get a discounted price. Unfortunately, that means getting on a plane, and finding £150 deposit.
- Go on holiday with my sister - basically to say I've been abroad. I'm 26 this year, it's about time I left the country.
- Get Sky.
- Get a new mobile. I got a pink Blackberry after Christmas because it was the cheapest. I do really like it, but I want one with a full keypad on it.
- Have a week off with no bloody work to do, no essays to write, no placement, uni shit.
- Join a gym.
- Go swimming more.
- Do some voluntary work with animals.
- Do more voluntary work with people.
- Do more courses - like the counselling one I was going to do this year that was cancelled. If I'm here next year and they run it, I will do A2 Biology. If not, I'm thinking about an AS in Maths, or possibly Chemistry or Sociology.
I don't even know if I'm going to qualify, but I'm getting nervous about it. Good nervous, I think. I know it'll be really hard to find a job because of my relative lack of experience - a lot of job adverts specify they want people with two years post-qualification experience, so it's hard for NQSWs anyway, never mind ones with my shit track record. But I'm also looking forward to the challenge. I'll be able to move anywhere I want. Ideally I'd like to work in a hospice, but jobs are hard to find in those. I saw one advertised workng with people needing kidney transplants, and donors, but I don't know if I want to live in Liverpool. I'm thinking maybe Leicester or Nottingham, Oxford, Cambridge...it depends really. I want to be closer to home, but not too close. I'm sick of this bloody place.
I've got applications in for two weeks of volunteering this summer - one what I did last year, one with disabled children in Derbyshire for a week. I'm also going to apply to shadow doctors at the local hospital for a week, if I can get a copy of my vaccination record to give to them. Whether I qualify or not, as well as doing shifts obviously, I want to do something constructive with my summer, because I know it'll take me a while to find a job even if I do qualify.
Alternatively, I want to go to Nottingham Trent and do a degree in Forensic Biology, it sounds fascinating.
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February 26, 2009] |
19th March. Practice Consulation Panel.
23rd March. Practice Assessment Panel.
8 days to go on my placement.
I'm exhausted, I'm not sleeping.
I can't do another placement. I don't have the money, I didn't even have the money to do this one. I owe my parents thousands of pounds, don't know how much, I'm too scared to work it out.
I can't do another placement. The thought of having to start from Day 1 again makes me want to scream.
This is the first time in five years I have thought seriously about leaving the course. Not because I don't want to be a social worker, nobody can question my dedication or determination.
I'm just scared what it will do to me if this keeps happening.
It has to work out. I have to pass.
I just have to.
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